A slot machine does not pay out every time you pull the lever. If it did, there would be no rush. No anticipation. No addiction. It pays out just often enough, at just unpredictable enough intervals, to keep you pulling the lever forever.
This is exactly how a predator keeps you trapped.
The Science of Unpredictable Rewards
Behavioral psychologist B.F. Skinner discovered that the most addictive reward schedule is not consistent reward. It is intermittent, unpredictable reward. When you cannot predict when the reward is coming, your brain becomes hyper focused on the source. You watch for signals. You modify your behavior to increase the odds. You become consumed by the pursuit of the next hit.
In an abusive relationship, the "reward" is moments of kindness, affection, approval, or peace. The predator delivers these moments unpredictably. After days or weeks of coldness, criticism, or abuse, they suddenly become the person you fell in love with. They are warm. Attentive. Present. Your brain floods with dopamine, and you bond to that moment with desperate intensity.
Then it disappears. And you spend all your energy trying to get it back.
Why Consistent Abuse Is Easier to Leave
This is counterintuitive, but people in consistently abusive relationships often find it easier to leave than people in intermittently abusive ones. Consistent abuse creates a clear narrative: "This person is bad for me." Intermittent abuse creates confusion: "But they can be so wonderful. Maybe it is my fault when things go wrong."
The good moments are not evidence that the relationship is healthy. They are the mechanism that keeps you locked in. The predator is not accidentally being kind sometimes. They are dosing you with just enough reward to prevent you from leaving.
Breaking the Pattern
Recognize the cycle for what it is. Name it. "This kindness is not a turning point. It is a dose." That awareness alone creates distance between you and the addiction.
Stop chasing the high. The version of them you fell in love with was a performance. The person you are trying to get back to never existed.
The full breakdown of intermittent reinforcement and how to break its hold is in The Dark Room. Take the assessment to see if this pattern is active in your life.