You brought up something they did that hurt you. You were calm. You were specific. You had evidence. And somehow, twenty minutes later, you are the one apologizing. You are the one comforting them. You are the one who feels guilty for even bringing it up.
What just happened? DARVO happened.
What Is DARVO?
DARVO is an acronym that stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. It was identified by researcher Jennifer Freyd, and it is one of the most common and effective manipulation tactics used by predators of all three types.
Here is how it works, step by step.
Deny. You confront them with what they did. They deny it outright. "That never happened." "I never said that." "You are misremembering." Even if you have text messages, screenshots, or witnesses, they deny it. The goal is not to convince you it did not happen. The goal is to create enough confusion that the conversation loses momentum.
Attack. When denial alone does not work, they attack your character. "You are always looking for problems." "You are so paranoid." "Nobody else has this issue with me." "Maybe the reason you see abuse everywhere is because you are the abusive one." The attack shifts you from offense to defense. Now you are no longer confronting their behavior. You are defending your own sanity.
Reverse Victim and Offender. The final move. They are now the victim. "I cannot believe you think I would do something like that. Do you know how much that hurts me?" "After everything I have done for you, this is how you repay me?" "You are the one hurting me right now." Suddenly the conversation is about their pain. You are comforting them. You are apologizing. And the original issue has vanished.
Why DARVO Is So Effective
DARVO exploits empathy. If you have a functioning conscience, watching someone express pain triggers a compassionate response. The predator knows this. They weaponize your empathy against you. The more empathetic you are, the more effective DARVO becomes.
How to Counter DARVO
Name it. When you feel the conversation shifting from their behavior to your character, stop and say to yourself: "This is DARVO." You do not have to say it out loud. Just recognizing the pattern in real time breaks its power.
Stay on topic. Write down the specific issue before you bring it up. When they try to redirect, return to your original point. "I understand you feel hurt, and we can discuss that. But right now I need to address what happened on Tuesday."
Stop apologizing for confronting. You have the right to name what is happening to you. That is not an attack. That is a boundary.
Learn the full counter-protocol in The Dark Room. Take the free assessment to see if DARVO is active in your life.