Leaving a narcissist is hard enough. Leaving a narcissist when children are involved adds layers of complexity that can feel paralyzing. The predator knows this. They will use the children as leverage, as weapons, and as hostages in the battle for control.

You cannot fully go no contact when you share custody. But you can implement a structured protocol that protects both you and your kids.

What Narcissistic Co-Parenting Looks Like

They use the children as messengers. They interrogate the kids about your life after visits. They make promises to the kids they have no intention of keeping, then blame you when the kids are disappointed. They compete for the children's affection through gifts, permissiveness, or by undermining your authority. They may attempt parental alienation, systematically turning the children against you.

How to Protect Your Children

Use a parallel parenting model instead of co-parenting. Co-parenting requires cooperation, which is impossible with a predator. Parallel parenting means you each parent independently during your custody time with minimal interaction between households.

Communicate only in writing through a parenting app or email. Keep all exchanges factual and brief. Do not engage with emotional bait. When they send a provocative message, respond only to the logistical content. "I will pick up the kids at 5 PM as scheduled."

Do not badmouth the narcissist to your children. They will figure it out on their own as they get older. Your job is to be the stable, consistent, emotionally safe parent. That contrast will speak louder than any words.

Document every violation of the custody agreement. Every late pickup. Every cancelled visit. Every concerning statement the children report. This documentation may prove critical if you need to return to court.

This is Phase 5 work: Fortification. You are out of the dark room, but the predator still has access to your children. The walls you build now protect the next generation.

The full co-parenting protocol is in The Dark Room. Dr. Hines works with men navigating custody situations with narcissistic co-parents.