If you have been in a dark room with a predator, you probably do not know what a healthy boundary looks like. That is not your fault. The predator systematically dismantled your boundaries over time, punishing you every time you tried to enforce one until you stopped trying.
Now that you are out, or trying to get out, boundaries are the walls you need to build to keep the predator from walking back in.
What a Boundary Actually Is
A boundary is not a request. It is not asking someone to treat you differently. A boundary is a decision about what you will accept and what you will not, enforced by your actions, not theirs.
"Please stop yelling at me" is a request. "I will leave the room if you yell at me" is a boundary. The difference is that a boundary does not require the other person to change. It only requires you to follow through.
Why Boundaries Feel Impossible After Abuse
The predator trained you to believe that having needs is selfish. That protecting yourself is unloving. That saying "no" is aggressive. They used FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) to punish every boundary attempt until your boundary muscle atrophied completely.
Setting boundaries after abuse will feel wrong. It will feel mean. It will feel like you are the one being unreasonable. That feeling is the predator's voice still operating in your head. It is not truth. It is programming.
How to Start
Start small and non negotiable. Pick one boundary. Something concrete. Something you can enforce regardless of the other person's reaction. "I will not respond to text messages after 10 PM." "I will not discuss my finances with this person." "I will leave any conversation where I am called names."
Write it down. Tell a trusted friend or coach. And when the moment comes, follow through. The first time you enforce a boundary, it will feel terrifying. The second time, slightly less so. Over time, boundaries become the foundation of a life the predator cannot touch.
The full boundary framework is in The Dark Room. For guided boundary work, Dr. Hines works with men to rebuild this skill from the ground up.